Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
In America we eat man semen.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
