I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
FUCK WHALES
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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