I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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