His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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