Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He passed out mid-signature
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
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