I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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