Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
