the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
