A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
