I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
