I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
