I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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