i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
