woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
