I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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