my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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