No awkward lesbian experiences without me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
