I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
