it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
