Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
