Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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