She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You made out with two different species that night
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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