nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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