Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
