Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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