you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
