hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
