Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
