I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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