remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
