I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
