Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
