Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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