I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
