I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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