yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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