Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
