My sheets look like a crime scene.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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