i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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