You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
