my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
