Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
