I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
