Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
