So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
