Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
