you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
