tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
