Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
