What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
