Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
