I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
