i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
